Millennials Can't Open Tuna Fish Can

Millennials can't, or won't, open canned tuna - San Jose Mercury News:

"Many can’t be bothered to open and drain the cans, or fetch utensils and dishes to eat the tuna,” Jesse Newman and Annie Gasparro wrote.
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“A lot of millennials don’t even own can openers,” [said] Andy Mecs, vice president of marketing and innovation for Pittsburgh-based StarKist.
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“Ah yes, millennials are abandoning canned tuna because we’re lazy and not because uh, it’s gross as hell,” said Jamelle Bouie, Slate’s chief political correspondent tweeted.
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Here’s an alternate theory: Maybe millennials aren’t eating as much tuna because they grew up learning about how dolphins — the magical creatures of their Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers — were often killed when they became trapped in tuna nets? Or maybe it’s because they’re a health-conscious generation that worries about mercury poisoning? Or maybe it’s because it’s a generation that cares about the environment and struggles with the level of tuna overfishing?

Or maybe it's because millenials are dim-witted lazy fuckers who are waiting for a government sponsored program from their beloved "State" that will assist them in solving the incredibly daunting task of opening a can with a can opener.

I find the most startling sentence from the San Jose story is that Slate has a "Chief Political Correspondent". Who knew? I always figured Slate vomited Alpha-Bits cereal until the letters formed words and boom, there's their story. No?

I think it's time for a new millennial child's doll that says, "Can openers are tough," just like Barbie and math class.

Millennials can't or won't use a can opener. But they can operate a machine and obtain ingredients that will spit out their double-mocha, sun-dried vanilla bean, organic banana, sugar-free, caramel-drizzle, fiber powder, ginger-cinnamon-hazelnut, gluten-free, free-range honey, Himalayan Yoga sea salt, steamed soy/rice milk, no whipped cream, one Sweet'n Low, decaf coffee in a sustainable cup.

"Can openers are tough!"

Who's "wiping" millennials? If a can opener is foreign to them, the item below must be confoundedly perplexing. But wait...soon there will be an "app" for this:

The future, with Millennials, looks bright, doesn't it?